driftwoody
Trail Wise!
Take the path closer to the edge, especially if less traveled
Posts: 14,506 
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Post by driftwoody on Nov 14, 2017 11:02:10 GMT -8
GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child,” he said. “What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday; it is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer was strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
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driftwoody
Trail Wise!
Take the path closer to the edge, especially if less traveled
Posts: 14,506
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Post by driftwoody on Nov 14, 2017 11:03:18 GMT -8
Pints of Ale
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin and ordered three pints of ale. He took a sip of the first and set it down, then a sip of the second, then a sip of the third, and proceeded to finsish the three pints in this fashion. When he was done, he ordered three more pints.
The bartender said "those pints would be a might fresher if you ordered 'em one at a time".
"Well ya see, " he replied "it's a way of bein' with me brothers. One lives in Australia and the other in the states, so we always order three drinks; it's our way of bein' together."
"That's a fine idea!" said the bartender. He became a regular customer, always ordering three pints, and whenever someone bought a round they'd always give him three. One time he came in and ordered two pints. When he was finished the bartender poured him two more and said "These are on the house, with my condolences."
"Thanks" he replied, "but why the condolences?"
"Well," said the bartender "since you only ordered two pints I assumed one of your brothers had passed on."
"No, me brothers are fine. It's just that I meself have givin up drinkin' fer Lent".
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 11:17:32 GMT -8
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. They talk about their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
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desert dweller
Trail Wise!
Power to the Peaceful...Hate does not create.
Posts: 6,290
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Post by desert dweller on Nov 14, 2017 11:27:36 GMT -8
"No, me brothers are fine. It's just that I meself have givin up drinkin' fer Lent". A different version of the same joke. Shots of WhiskeyA man walks into a bar he's never been in before and orders three shots of bourbon in three glasses. The bartender thought it was a little strange, but the guy was sober so he poured the drinks. The man drank each one slowly and with solemn contemplation. He paid up, said thanks and left. The man shows up at the same bar at the same time as last time and orders three bourbons in three glasses and drinks each slowly. As he was sipping on one of the drinks, the bartender was overcome by his curiosity and asked why the man comes in and orders three bourbons in three glasses the same time and day each week. The man says that he and two fellow soldiers went through hell and high water during the war. They came close to dying and saved each other's life. They were determined to stay friends and commemorate their deep friendship by having three drinks each week with each drink symbolizing the other two. The bartender completely understood and, over time, got to hear the guy's stories. He looked forward to the guy coming by his bar. Then one day, after a few months the guy comes in and orders two glasses of bourbon and drinks each one slowly and with great contemplation. This really threw the bartender for a loop. He was hesitant to ask why only two bourbons. Perhaps one of the friends had died. So, he asked the guy about why only two bourbons. Did something happen to one of your friends? It must be serious. No, they're fine. I've stopped drinking. |
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rebeccad
Trail Wise!
Writing like a maniac
Posts: 12,376 
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Post by rebeccad on Nov 14, 2017 11:34:38 GMT -8
Sorry. This has now earned it's transfer into the strange world of political "humor," where we make fun not of ourselves but if "those other guys" that are ruining things for us normal people. Some posts are definitely political humor (which is almost always mean-spirited/partisan), rather than just "bad jokes." Please people, don't go there. Just keep the bad jokes and puns coming. |
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Post by atvtuner on Nov 14, 2017 11:57:08 GMT -8
An Australian went on walkabout and came upon a little town called Mercy. While in Mercy, he came upon a luncheonette, and asked the counter-person “Let’s have a Foster’s, mate.” The counter-man said “Oh, we don’t serve beer here. I’ll bring you some of our special blend of tea.” The explorer took a look at the tea, which had big brown clumps in it, and said “Yeech. What is this?” The counter-man said “it’s our special tea made from the meat of Koala bears.” Yes”, replied the man, “but why the big brown clumps? Shouldn’t the tea at least be strained?” “Ah”, said the counter-man, “The Koala-tea of Mercy is not strained.”
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desert dweller
Trail Wise!
Power to the Peaceful...Hate does not create.
Posts: 6,290
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Post by desert dweller on Nov 14, 2017 12:23:53 GMT -8
Two bears were walking down the street after a hard day at work. One of the bears says to the other, "We've been working hard. Let's get us a well deserved cold beer." "No thanks, I have to get home" says the other bear and they separate.
The thirsty bear goes into a tavern, sits close to the counter and says, "I'd like a cold beer, please." The tender scowls and says, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar." The bear was a little taken a back and says, "Come on, I've been working hard all day and a nice cold beer would sit just right." "No!" the tender almost yells, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar!"
The bear can't believe the bartender's attitude. "I just want one beer!" says the bear in an irate voice. "No!, I'm telling you, we don't serve bears beer in this bar!!"
The bear is now really mad. He looks around and see a woman, minding her own business, at the end of the bar and he says, "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to chomp that lady's head off!" The bartender once again says, "No!"
Sure enough the bear goes over to the woman and chomps her head off. He says, "Give me a beer!" "No!" says the bartender. "We don't serve bears beers in the bar! And, we don't serve drug addicts, either."
Wait, "What?" says the bear. "I'm no drug addict!" "You are a drug addict! Don't you know that was a barbiturate?"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 12:56:16 GMT -8
A husband and wife went in for counseling after 35 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a passionate and painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable,
an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and,
after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her on the lips passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,
“This is what your wife needs at least once every day of the week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here Monday thru Thursday, but on Fridays, I go fishin.”
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 14, 2017 13:15:54 GMT -8
When he got back from his honeymoon 90 year old Floyd was asked by his friend Hiram if he made love with his 88 year old bride. "Yep" said Floyd, "Almost all week!". "All week?" asked Hiram increduously.
"Yep, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 14, 2017 13:17:22 GMT -8
The three stages of a married man's sex life:
Triweekly.
Try weekly.
Try weakly.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 13:23:26 GMT -8
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory,
And all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and possibly cut her,
And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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balzaccom
Trail Wise!
Waiting for spring...
Posts: 3,777
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Post by balzaccom on Nov 14, 2017 14:45:08 GMT -8
A Rabbi and Catholic Priest and a Lutheran Minister walk in to a bar.
The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
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balzaccom
Trail Wise!
Waiting for spring...
Posts: 3,777
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Post by balzaccom on Nov 14, 2017 14:47:20 GMT -8
My dad loved puns, and never overlooked an opportunity, however slim, to make one. His team at work finally got tired of it, and bought him this sign for his office:
"Warning! Incorrigible punster. Please do not incorrige!"
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balzaccom
Trail Wise!
Waiting for spring...
Posts: 3,777
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Post by balzaccom on Nov 14, 2017 14:56:06 GMT -8
Jesus Christ walks into a bar where a Frenchman and Scotsman and an American are having a drink. The Frenchmen immediately asks the bartender to send Jesus a glass of Champagne and put it on his account. The Scotsman does the same with a glass of fine single malt. And the American follows suit with a pint of Sam Adams.
After a bit, Jesus walks over to the Frenchman and touches him on the shoulder. "Thank you for the bubbly," He says. The Frenchmen gives a cry of joy and says: "Sacre Bleu! My bad arm is healed! Praise the lord!"
Jesus then visits the Englishmen and pats him on the back. "Thank you for the Whiskey" He says. "Hallelujah!" cries the Englishman. "My sciatica has disappeared! Praise God!"
Jesus then walks up to the America. "Stay away from me!" cries the Yank in horror. "I'm on 100% disability!"
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Post by JRinGeorgia on Nov 14, 2017 19:16:23 GMT -8
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. “I’m here to ask you about my brother, Doc,” the man says.
“What can you tell me about him?” the psychiatrist asks.
“Well,” the man replies, “he thinks he’s a chicken.”
“A chicken?” the psychiatrist says. “That’s fairly unusual. So how long has this been going on?”
“About 25 years,” the man replies.
“25 years?” the psychiatrist exclaims. “Why did you wait so long to come see me?”
The man shrugs and says, “We needed the eggs.”
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