tigger
Trail Wise!
Posts: 2,547
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Post by tigger on Nov 14, 2017 20:39:16 GMT -8
The three stages of a married man's sex life: Triweekly. Try weekly. Try weakly. This thread is for jokes. That's not a joke...that's reality.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 23:34:18 GMT -8
Remember the Energizer Bunny? Has not been on TV lately. The Bunny got arrested.
It was charged with battery.
-Don- Needles, CA
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 23:43:57 GMT -8
Fred doesn't want to believe his poor motionless dog is dead, so he takes it to the vet.
The vet looks at the dog and says "your dog is dead".
Fred says "He cannot be dead!!! Can you do some testing to be sure?
So then the Vet calls out a Black Lab from the back room. The black Lab says "Woof! Dog is dead!!!"
Fred says "I still don't believe it! Can you do more testing?
Then the vet calls a cat out. The cat says "meow--Dog is dead!!!"
And then the vet gives Fred a bill for $500.00!
Then Fred says "What, $500.00 just to tell me my dog is dead???"
Then the Vet says "I tried to tell you for free, but with the lab test and cat scan, it's $500.00.
-Don- Needles, CA
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 17, 2017 20:07:59 GMT -8
Some people are like slinkies.
They are not really good for anything, serve no useful purpose. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 17, 2017 20:09:23 GMT -8
I went to the liquor store Thursday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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Post by cloudwalker on Nov 17, 2017 20:38:03 GMT -8
Had an inmate tell me this one: What's black, 13 inches long and hangs in front of an @$$hole?
Answer: A correctional officer's necktie.
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driftwoody
Trail Wise!
Take the path closer to the edge, especially if less traveled
Posts: 14,999
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Post by driftwoody on Nov 18, 2017 5:34:13 GMT -8
A car full of little old ladies was going 20 mph on a state highway, and a cop pulled them over for going too slow.
The driver said "But officer, I always go exactly the speed limit."
"Lady, you were only going 20 mph," the cop replied.
"But that's the speed limit. Look at that sign down the road -- it says 20!" she exclaimed.
"Lady, that's the route marker. You're driving on highway 20. The speed limit is 55 unless otherwise posted," the cop explained. He looked in the car and saw the other old ladies were shaking and white as a ghost. "Don't worry, ladies. I'm not going to issue a ticket this time," he reassured.
A lady from the back seat spoke up. "Oh no, officer, you didn't frighten us. Before we turned on this road we were on route 110."
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tomas
Trail Wise!
Posts: 1,906
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Post by tomas on Nov 18, 2017 18:28:57 GMT -8
Why is the number six afraid of the number seven?
Because seven eight nine.
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Post by zipposdad on Nov 19, 2017 8:06:59 GMT -8
Two men walk into a bar The third one ducks
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Post by zipposdad on Nov 19, 2017 8:08:44 GMT -8
Termite walks into a bar Say Where is the bar tender (get it)
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Post by hikerchick395 on Nov 19, 2017 9:39:42 GMT -8
An old one I've shared before...
What did the macho fly say to the female fly sitting on a pile of doggie doo?
Is this stool taken?
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Post by hikerchick395 on Nov 19, 2017 9:49:28 GMT -8
The other day a clown held a door open for me.
It was a nice jester.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 19, 2017 10:20:06 GMT -8
In AD 1267 people in Europe used traditional medicine, ate locally-sourced organic food which was mainly if not solely vegetarian, and performed large amounts of aerobic exercise in unpolluted air. Average life expectancy for a male at birth was 31.3 years. 750 years later we slump in front of computers in centrally-heated offices bathed in fluorescent light, guzzling fatty, chemical-filled food before driving home in fume-spewing motor vehicles and plopping on the couch to watch TV. Average life expectancy for a male at birth is 79.4. Isn't progress wonderful?
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rebeccad
Trail Wise!
Writing like a maniac
Posts: 12,685
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Post by rebeccad on Nov 19, 2017 19:39:47 GMT -8
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geosp
Trail Wise!
Posts: 495
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Post by geosp on Nov 19, 2017 19:46:45 GMT -8
Two cows in a field. One says 'Mooo' The other says, 'Funny, I was just going to say that!'
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