whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 9:12:22 GMT -8
One out of five people are too tense.
(Best if read aloud)
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2017 12:02:30 GMT -8
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Lawyers use a economic forecast like a drunk uses a lamppost; they use it for support rather than illumination.
If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement? (Answer #1) Soccer practice! (Answer #2) Not enough cement.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
Why did the Lion run through the jungle eating elephant droppings? He'd just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand.
What do you call 200 lawyers in a boat on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Do you know why a lawyer has one more brain cell than the horse? So he won't mess up the streets.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 12:05:20 GMT -8
Someone has been sneaking into my yard at night and adding soil to my small garden.
The plot thickens.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 14:53:09 GMT -8
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed on the interstate yesterday, shedding its load across the highway, according to the Associated Press. First Responders were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
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balzaccom
Trail Wise!
Waiting for spring...
Posts: 3,776 
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Post by balzaccom on Nov 13, 2017 17:19:14 GMT -8
Whistlepunk, please keep them coming. Loving your sense of humor!
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Post by JRinGeorgia on Nov 13, 2017 17:39:31 GMT -8
From Henny Youngman:
A man calls the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. “Hello, may I speak with Mr. Schwartz?” he asks.
“I’m sorry,” the person on the phone says, “Mr. Schwartz is in court all this week.”
“OK then,” the man says, “Can I speak with Mr. Schwartz?”
“He retired last year,” came the reply.
“In that case, can I speak with Mr. Schwartz?”
“He’s on vacation and won’t be back until next month.”
“Alright, then can I speak with Mr. Schwartz?”
“Yes, speaking.”
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Post by JRinGeorgia on Nov 13, 2017 17:44:39 GMT -8
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."
"Second," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Third, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
"So," the lawyer says, "if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 18:20:08 GMT -8
I just got back from a meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous. I saw a lot of new faces.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 18:21:18 GMT -8
I know a lot of mailman puns, but I don't have a good delivery.
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whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
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Post by whistlepunk on Nov 13, 2017 18:24:37 GMT -8
I spilled some corn flakes on the floor this morning. I stepped on one and it crushed into powder. So am I now a cereal killer?
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balzaccom
Trail Wise!
Waiting for spring...
Posts: 3,776
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Post by balzaccom on Nov 14, 2017 9:35:31 GMT -8
Sorry. This has now earned it's transfer into the strange world of political "humor," where we make fun not of ourselves but if "those other guys" that are ruining things for us normal people.
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desert dweller
Trail Wise!
Power to the Peaceful...Hate does not create.
Posts: 6,290
Member is Online
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Post by desert dweller on Nov 14, 2017 9:50:57 GMT -8
Two buttons I saw in college. "Why be normal?" "Being weird is not enough." |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 10:54:03 GMT -8
3 nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations!
You've been admitted to heaven . . . for five days!"
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driftwoody
Trail Wise!
Take the path closer to the edge, especially if less traveled
Posts: 14,506
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Post by driftwoody on Nov 14, 2017 10:59:10 GMT -8
Male vs Female Logic
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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driftwoody
Trail Wise!
Take the path closer to the edge, especially if less traveled
Posts: 14,506
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Post by driftwoody on Nov 14, 2017 11:00:33 GMT -8
Motherly Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.
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Image Credit / Coolkat
