Bad Jokes

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque,
only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native andasks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."

Four engineers are riding along together in a car when the engine cuts off. They roll to a stop on the shoulder and contemplate their situation.

The mechanical engineer says, “I think we should check the transmission and maybe the belt drives.”

The electrical engineer says, “I think we should check the battery and the starter.”

The chemical engineer says, “I think we should check the fluid levels and the antifreeze.”

The Microsoft engineer says, “I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows again, and then we’ll see if it works.”

Police arrested two kids here yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
...They charged one and let the other one off.

An old German Shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and, before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes
.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.


The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.


In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, That's 40 cents, please."


They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"


"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.


Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."

McTarnahan and Bailey are sitting one afternoon. McTarnahan says, "You know, I built a well. I fashioned the bricks, dug a really deep hole, and carefully made a tight sealed well. Do they call me McTarnahan the well builder? No. A few months ago, I built this really large beautiful deck. I cut down the trees, fashioned straight boards, measured and hand cut the planks. It was a wonderful deck. But, do they call me McTarnahan the deck builder? No...But you screw one goat!