Hungry Jack
Trail Wise!
Living and dying in 3/4 time...
Posts: 3,809
|
Post by Hungry Jack on Apr 9, 2017 19:09:56 GMT -8
Like my father are really testing my patience. He is in cognitive decline with short term memory issues, but his reasoning seems very intact.
Yet he refuses to see/acknowledge/accept what is obvious to me and several others around him: that he has no business driving. We have had several conversations about it, and he intellectually would agree to all reasonable points, yet the behavior does not change.
i know that my experience is not at all unusual. And this stubbornness is not simply about loss of independence and the fear of accepting one's diminishing senses and physical decline.
What is is it about us aging and growing increasingly inflexible in our thinking and learning? Is this our destiny, regardless of personal efforts to stay open minded, continue to learn, and make good decisions? I hope I can avoid this behavior as I get older, but I think self awareness becomes harder and harder to obtain.
thoughts?
|
|
BigLoad
Trail Wise!
Pancakes!
Posts: 12,990
|
Post by BigLoad on Apr 9, 2017 20:49:05 GMT -8
Who wants to surrender complete autonomy?
|
|
BigLoad
Trail Wise!
Pancakes!
Posts: 12,990
|
Post by BigLoad on Apr 9, 2017 21:27:33 GMT -8
Who wants to surrender complete autonomy? That could either be a study or a great title for a novel. No, I'm just looking for volunteers.
|
|
BigLoad
Trail Wise!
Pancakes!
Posts: 12,990
|
Post by BigLoad on Apr 9, 2017 21:53:09 GMT -8
Seriously, though, I've seen this behavior in so many people that it seems to afflict anyone who lives long enough and retains enough physical capacity. It's not easy to get through. A lot of different approaches have worked, but it's hard to find one that works with any given individual. And then it's still difficult.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2017 1:59:09 GMT -8
If his doctor issued an order not to drive, do you think he'd accept that?
I mean, if there's a medical reason for him not to drive then that's probably going to be a lot easier to enforce.
|
|
Deborah
Trail Wise!
Yes, that's me.
Posts: 1,115
|
Post by Deborah on Apr 10, 2017 3:55:54 GMT -8
Years ago, we had to take the car away from my step-grandmother. My aunt and I want to their house and while she was busy talking to them, I found the keys and left in their car. My grandfather was past wanting to drive, but she wigged out and had one of her grandsons take her to the police station to report me. The officer called me and I simply said, "do you want her driving?" (She had a bad stroke and many of her physical movements were far from controlled.) Of course he answered that he did not. So, he listed it as a domestic dispute and told her to talk to my aunt and me.
Over the next few weeks, she and my grandfather moved to my aunt's property, so they no longer had a need to drive.
I was shocked when I recently learned that a woman I know, who is 87 with a severe case of Parkinson's disease, still drives occasionally. If I lived close to her, I would steal her car too before she kills someone.
Good luck with your Dad.
|
|
foxalo
Trail Wise!
Life is infinitely stranger than anything the mind could invent.---Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Posts: 2,359
|
Post by foxalo on Apr 10, 2017 5:10:20 GMT -8
I've seen patience wear thin with family members who take on the role of caregiver. It's hard to watch our parents or aunts/uncle's decline mentally. It's not easy for them either. Many know their memory or physical abilities deteriorate as they are aging. That's a hard pill to swallow if you've been active all your life, and they get belligerent with the people they love because they aren't realizing that what their families are trying to do for them is in their best interest. They still want to be independent.
I really hope to never get like that, but you just never know.
|
|
|
Post by autumnmist on Apr 10, 2017 5:48:51 GMT -8
Hungry Jack , your comments echo those of many, many caregivers and concerned friends and relatives. I think giving up what we're used to, especially a primary means of independence, is hard for anyone. I have trouble even thinking about what I'll do when I reach that stage, but I do have the benefit of knowing it will come and I can plan for it early. We experienced this with my father; anxiety was almost always present whenever he drove. But pushing himself is part of his personality. In his 80's, he was up on scaffolding installing insulation in a pole barn he built. Over the years I've realized that planning and carrying out those plans, whether building a pole barn or just driving freely to wherever he wanted to go, was part of the zest for life, planning, determination and goal oriented focus that helped him reach 98, as he is now. During the long caregiving process, I've also seen my own attitude change and slip toward the acquiescent stage, so I know that I have to address this issue even now, let alone when I'm in my 80's. I like to think of it as "creative adaptation." If I had to do it over again in helping my father, I would ease into the driving cessation, by taking him places just for fun as opposed to just the medical appointments. I used to take him to the Dairy Queen after the less pleasant appointments, trying to create at least a memory of a more positive event after a negative one. After a few years of my driving him everywhere, he commented one day that now he could freely watch the surrounding countryside, watch for hawks, deer, look at the lakes and ponds and swans, watch flying geese, and more, which he couldn't do freely when he was driving. This might be something to consider - taking your father to places that pass scenic areas, and help him get used to not having to keep his eyes on the road. If your family pitches in and helps, it also creates a social opportunity. End it with some activity, food treat or meal that he really enjoys so he subconsciously and consciously associates someone else's driving with pleasant events. Acclimation can be slow, but at least he would be part of the way to accepting someone else's driving as he reaches the point at which he can no longer safely drive. That actually enters another stage, when the family has to restructure their own schedule to take him everywhere. This is where an extended family can help. It then becomes a balancing act, advance planning as well so you don't have to jump up and go to the store or someplace when he runs out of food. Last minute planning is definitely part of giving up one's freedom. Eventually I had to keep track of a lot of things - when he'll need to go to the barber again, when he'll need med or vitamin refills so I don't get the frantic call "I'm all out of xyz medicine!" Giving up one's freedom is really hard; I think it's one of the biggest challenges everyone has or will face besides declining health. (Sorry for the long post, but I think this is an important issue for any adult child and parents.)
|
|
|
Post by autumnmist on Apr 10, 2017 5:51:37 GMT -8
Another thought - a friend monitors his out of town father's activity through a GPS device he surreptitiously installed on his father's car. So at any moment, he knows if his father is out driving around and where.
|
|
|
Post by hikingtiger on Apr 10, 2017 5:59:07 GMT -8
Seriously, though, I've seen this behavior in so many people that it seems to afflict anyone who lives long enough and retains enough physical capacity. It's not easy to get through. A lot of different approaches have worked, but it's hard to find one that works with any given individual. And then it's still difficult. Each of my grandmothers went through different versions of decline. One developed dementia, but was physically fine otherwise. The other had a stroke which left her physically impaired, but mentally ok. She had trouble talking, etc., which was very frustrating for her as her mind just couldn't make the body cooperate. I've thought long and hard about which way I'd rather end up...mentally lacking (go ahead, @tdale...tell me I'm already there), but physically ok, or mentally fine, with serious physical challenges. I think it's just a matter of one state being harder on me and the other being harder on others.
|
|
tomas
Trail Wise!
Posts: 1,906
|
Post by tomas on Apr 10, 2017 6:34:29 GMT -8
One of them is: incompetence cannot recognize itself in the mirror. Dealing with a mom with Altzheimer's and a father with diminishing capabilities fueled by alcoholism I've come to realize this is a very true statement.
|
|
|
Post by atvtuner on Apr 10, 2017 7:08:23 GMT -8
The larger context plays a huge role in how to approach this problem. How many family members and friends are available to help? I ask because elder care all too often falls onto one person.
|
|
|
Post by catonsvillebill on Apr 10, 2017 7:37:52 GMT -8
And this stubbornness is not simply about loss of independence and the fear of accepting one's diminishing senses and physical decline. What is is it about us aging and growing increasingly inflexible in our thinking and learning? With my father years ago, I know he was set in his ways. He wanted things done his way and only his way. He spent 4 months in the hospital before he died, and he fought everyone all that time. His way & only his way. My way of thinking is that he and others in his position ( he was 82 when he died) go with what they know and ONLY with what they know. The way of life they had led, their preferences, their views and opinions etc... They are not willing to accept their decline. It makes it very hard on the caregiver/ caregivers.
|
|
BigLoad
Trail Wise!
Pancakes!
Posts: 12,990
|
Post by BigLoad on Apr 10, 2017 8:22:14 GMT -8
The larger context plays a huge role in how to approach this problem. How many family members and friends are available to help? I ask because elder care all too often falls onto one person. That is often the problem, especially when families are geographically scattered. Even having enough people poses a problem of its own in the building of consensus. I think it's important to give more weight to those with a more direct stake in the time and effort.
|
|
whistlepunk
Trail Wise!
I was an award winning honor student once. I have no idea what happened...
Posts: 1,446
|
Post by whistlepunk on Apr 10, 2017 9:01:41 GMT -8
Call the local state highway patrol office or motor vehicle department. This problem is more common than you think and they may have programs to deal with the issue. With my dad we called the DMV. They called him in for a 'routine driving test' and he failed. They became the bad guys and took his license away, leaving the family off the hook. They don't mind being the heavy to keep family relationships intact.
|
|