|
Post by trinity on Apr 6, 2021 14:04:43 GMT -8
I am the father to a spectacular boy, pictured in my profile pic, who is now 11. He is creative and loving, but has struggled with behavioral issues since we adopted him. Though he has made great progress over the years, he still struggles with impulse control, anxiety, oppositional behavior, and a host of other issues related to ADHD, institutional neglect, and poor executive function. My wife and I have been discussing various treatment options, and recently decided to enroll him in an adventure therapy program in Wisconsin. We are strong believers in the healing power of nature, and our boy was open to going (we would not have sent him against his will). But the average stay in the program is 80 days, and saying goodbye to him in the airport today was one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever done. I am very hopeful that this will be a great growing experience for him, and I am also terrified and heartbroken to be sending my child away for so long. I pray that the power of nature, which has been such a healing force in my life, will also be a life changer for him.
|
|
reuben
Trail Wise!
Gonna need more Camels at the next refugio...
Posts: 11,148
Member is Online
|
Post by reuben on Apr 6, 2021 14:16:49 GMT -8
Wow. That's a long time, especially at his age, for both the parents and child.
Good luck. Prayers for all of you.
|
|
|
Post by johntpenca on Apr 6, 2021 15:28:49 GMT -8
Can you visit him?
|
|
|
Post by trinity on Apr 7, 2021 5:41:00 GMT -8
Thanks, reuben . johntpenca , we can't visit, but I think we will have one ZOOM while he's there. Ordinarily they allow one visit by the parents, but that is currently suspended because of COVID. Sorry for the heavy post, I was pretty wrung out when I wrote about this yesterday.
|
|
tomas
Trail Wise!
Posts: 1,906
|
Post by tomas on Apr 7, 2021 7:40:51 GMT -8
I have an adopted son, now 19yo, who has the exact same struggles due to FASD. I discovered long ago that fishing is his way of slowing down his head and being able to calm down. So I try to make it a weekly event.
If you ever need to vent, you have a sympathetic ear with me.
|
|
|
Post by absarokanaut on Apr 7, 2021 8:38:11 GMT -8
I don't have any children. I lost both my parents when I was 7 years old to separate issues. I was incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful, loving extended family and 4 older siblings. I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle and they were awesome...but I had problems. While I too think almost 3 months is an incredibly long time for you to be apart I'm guessing those folks know what they're doing. When I was his age I had 5 weeks of summer camp that improved my world considerably.
Your post was heartfelt and inspiring however "heavy." I can't pretend to know what you're going through but count me as just one more member of your big family here that has nothing but appreciation for what you do for this young man and empathy for whatever struggles arise. I wish all of you the best and maybe someday we'll see you in Greater Yellowstone.
|
|
|
Post by johntpenca on Apr 7, 2021 12:04:16 GMT -8
Trinity-
Can you at least call him to get a feel on how he is doing? I dunno the whole situation but it sounds a bit draconian to me.
|
|
|
Post by cweston on Apr 7, 2021 12:19:21 GMT -8
Prayers for your family. I'm having a hard time coming else with much else to say right now. You are obviously not the kind of person (and I trust that your spouse is not as well), who would "send their child away" without careful research and consideration, and not at all to some sort of "fly by night" operation. So you can take some solace in that, right?
|
|
jazzmom
Trail Wise!
a.k.a. TigerFan
Posts: 3,059
|
Post by jazzmom on Apr 7, 2021 14:18:35 GMT -8
As a single child who spent 8 weeks every summer at a music camp from the age of 9 until well into my high school years, I think that while I'm sure there will be homesickness, he'll make memories that will last a lifetime. I still keep in touch with my old camp mates and we have periodic zoom get-togethers 50 years later. There was something about being surrounded by and immersed in true "peers" that changed my life. You, on the other hand, may never recover. My son, who is now 22, went to various camps (including the same one I'd gone to as a child) and I cried each and every time I dropped him off. When I dropped him off at college, I pretty much cried on and off the entire 12 hour drive home. Those heartbreaks are the price of parenthood, I guess. Hang in there.
|
|
|
Post by JRinGeorgia on Apr 8, 2021 9:18:50 GMT -8
Trinity, my daughter has had some similar behavioral and emotional challenges, as the child of a divorce and ongoing custody issues that resulted in her spending half her childhood living with me full time and her mother almost entirely out of her life (my daughter's choice). She has been placed into various longish-term treatment programs more than once. It's heartbreaking, but as someone who is more on the other side of it now I can assure you that you will find comfort and strength in knowing that your son is getting help that he had to get from someone besides you and your wife. Your thoughts of him will evolve from a place of anxiety and dread to a place more of assurance and acceptance and optimism. Every day will be a little better than the last.
I really like TigerFan's comparison to sleepaway camp, I encourage you to think of the program your son is in as a summer camp. In fact, other than the time of year, it actually sounds very much like a summer camp. Your son will benefit from the activities, the camaraderie, and the structure it sounds like this program will provide for him as much as any special therapy or treatment they may also provide.
|
|
ErnieW
Trail Wise!
I want to backpack
Posts: 9,884
|
Post by ErnieW on Apr 8, 2021 11:35:43 GMT -8
I find the mantra "I am doing my best as a parent but I am not perfect" to be helpful for me. Repeating it regularly in times of parental doubt like this. I believe as someone else posted that you, trinity, weighed this decision and made your best choice. You're doing your best. And heaven forbid that this doesn't turn out that well then sometimes you may have to remind yourself the other path may have been even rockier. Take comfort that you are trying to do your best.
|
|
|
Post by trinity on Apr 9, 2021 7:15:37 GMT -8
johntpenca , yes, it sounds restrictive, but seems pretty standard. We are still processing a ton of information, so still learning what communication is going to look like, but we will certainly be in constant communication with the team that is working with him. While he is doing his work at camp, mama and I will be doing our work, learning how we are contributing to unhealthy patterns of behavior and how we can better parent him. I have an adopted son, now 19yo, who has the exact same struggles due to FASD. I discovered long ago that fishing is his way of slowing down his head and being able to calm down. So I try to make it a weekly event. If you ever need to vent, you have a sympathetic ear with me. I really appreciate the support and the offer, though I am very sorry for what your son and your family have been through. I can definitely relate. The fact that he found such a healthy means of self-regulating, and that you have been so supportive of this activity, will make all the difference for him. He's a lucky young man. I can't pretend to know what you're going through What you lack in experience you make up for in empathy. Thank you. Prayers for your family. I'm having a hard time coming else with much else to say right now. You are obviously not the kind of person (and I trust that your spouse is not as well), who would "send their child away" without careful research and consideration, and not at all to some sort of "fly by night" operation. So you can take some solace in that, right? Thank you for the kind words and the prayers, and yes, there is solace in that. It just feels a bit hollow right now--I just want my boy back. As a single child who spent 8 weeks every summer at a music camp from the age of 9 until well into my high school years, I think that while I'm sure there will be homesickness, he'll make memories that will last a lifetime. I still keep in touch with my old camp mates and we have periodic zoom get-togethers 50 years later. There was something about being surrounded by and immersed in true "peers" that changed my life. You, on the other hand, may never recover. My son, who is now 22, went to various camps (including the same one I'd gone to as a child) and I cried each and every time I dropped him off. When I dropped him off at college, I pretty much cried on and off the entire 12 hour drive home. Those heartbreaks are the price of parenthood, I guess. Hang in there. Thank you for the positive words and perspective. Yep, you nailed it. Samuel is probably having a great time. Papa, on the other hand, is a basket-case. Trinity, my daughter has had some similar behavioral and emotional challenges, as the child of a divorce and ongoing custody issues that resulted in her spending half her childhood living with me full time and her mother almost entirely out of her life (my daughter's choice). She has been placed into various longish-term treatment programs more than once. It's heartbreaking, but as someone who is more on the other side of it now I can assure you that you will find comfort and strength in knowing that your son is getting help that he had to get from someone besides you and your wife. Your thoughts of him will evolve from a place of anxiety and dread to a place more of assurance and acceptance and optimism. Every day will be a little better than the last. Thank you, as with tomas ' post, this is very helpful, but I am sorry your daughter, and you, have had such challenges. But posts like this give me a lot of hope. I guess to some of us, she will always be Tigerfan. And I agree that the summer camp aspect is very helpful, not only to us, but to Samuel. It helps a lot with the stigma that can be attached to intensive therapy programs. I find the mantra "I am doing my best as a parent but I am not perfect" to be helpful for me. Repeating it regularly in times of parental doubt like this. Yes, indeed. Parenting is never easy, is it? Thanks again to all of you for your words of kindness, support, and hope. They really mean a lot to me. And I am humbled that some of you have shared some of your own parenting challenges here. Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by johntpenca on Apr 9, 2021 7:54:24 GMT -8
trinityApologize if my post seemed on the harsh side. I understand you are doing what is necessary given the circumstances. I sincerely hope the camp/therapy works out for the best. Time outdoors and trained therapists are generally a good thing.
|
|
|
Post by trinity on Apr 9, 2021 8:12:19 GMT -8
Apologize if my post seemed on the harsh side. Not harsh--concerned, and I appreciate it. Time outdoors and trained therapists are generally a good thing. Agreed!
|
|
reuben
Trail Wise!
Gonna need more Camels at the next refugio...
Posts: 11,148
Member is Online
|
Post by reuben on Jun 16, 2021 9:22:38 GMT -8
Is he still there?
If he's home, how did it work out? Too soon to tell?
|
|