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Post by hikingtiger on Nov 7, 2017 6:37:17 GMT -8
What do you call a steer with no legs? What do you call a steer with two legs? Lean beef.
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Post by hikerjer on Nov 7, 2017 7:13:55 GMT -8
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
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Post by Lamebeaver on Nov 7, 2017 7:54:56 GMT -8
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:
"Why the long face?"
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Post by Lamebeaver on Nov 7, 2017 10:20:26 GMT -8
President Trump, the pope and a boy scout are on a plane...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 10:22:09 GMT -8
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.”
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Post by starwalker on Nov 7, 2017 10:26:47 GMT -8
If you have a wreck in a Mercedes, what do you say?
That's the way the Mercedes Bends.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 10:32:43 GMT -8
Crow Mystery Solved.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 10:47:43 GMT -8
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs,and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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desert dweller
Trail Wise!
Power to the Peaceful...Hate does not create.
Posts: 6,291
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Post by desert dweller on Nov 7, 2017 10:50:37 GMT -8
Two mountain lions were perched on the rocks above the wash looking down at the backpacker asleep in his sleeping bag. One lion turns to the other and says, "Look Leo, a sack lunch."
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Post by absarokanaut on Nov 7, 2017 11:09:18 GMT -8
How do you keep a jacka$$ in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
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Post by Lamebeaver on Nov 7, 2017 11:16:04 GMT -8
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance.
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Post by hikerjer on Nov 7, 2017 11:47:48 GMT -8
Actually, slinger, those are good jokes.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 12:11:05 GMT -8
Actually, slinger, those are good jokes. Alright...here goes....: What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
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geosp
Trail Wise!
Posts: 495
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Post by geosp on Nov 7, 2017 12:29:03 GMT -8
What do you call a fly with no wings? ... a walk.
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desert dweller
Trail Wise!
Power to the Peaceful...Hate does not create.
Posts: 6,291
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Post by desert dweller on Nov 7, 2017 12:46:48 GMT -8
Q. Why did the Valley Girl take two birth control pills? A. So she could be for sure for sure.
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