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Post by hikerjer on Mar 20, 2023 22:56:10 GMT -8
Dementia is truly a merciless disease. My dad, at age 92, suffered from it for over a year. During that time, it gradually developed into paranoid dementia. He became abusive and totally unpredictable. We had to eventually forcibly remove him from the home for the safety of my mom. He was placed in a nursing home from which he “escaped” while my mom was visiting him and somehow managed to drive himself home. While my wife took my mom to our place, my brother and I found him at his home waiting for us with two butcher knives (thank God, he didn’t have any guns in the house). He would not give them up and threatened us with them every time we approached him. Finally, after about six or seven hours , I was able to distract him and my brother was able to get the knives. He continued to be violent and we had to call the authorities. It took two policemen and two firemen to strap him to a gurney to get and take him to the hospital psychiatric ward. He died six months later in a full care facility. It had to be the longest night and year of my life. To see your father, a totally non-violent and generous man, turn into a completely different person is absolutely wrenching and heartbreaking. It was not who he was.
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rebeccad
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Post by rebeccad on Mar 21, 2023 7:35:32 GMT -8
hikerjer that is truly awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. There are some truly horrible ways for our bodies and minds to betray us.
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RumiDude
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Post by RumiDude on Mar 21, 2023 8:45:14 GMT -8
Dementia is truly a merciless disease. My dad, at age 92, suffered from it for over a year. During that time, it gradually developed into paranoid dementia. He became abusive and totally unpredictable. Which is why I tried not to take my father's behavior personally when he would get abusive towards me. I have witnessed several older adults, both male and female, change in similar ways as dementia set in. It's really not uncommon because it is the brain that is losing function. Part of the brain's function is to modify our emotions and such. When those portions of the brain tissue atrophy, the personality changes. In other areas memory, short-term and long-term, are stored. It's a brain researcher's feast of sorts but a nightmare to friends and family. Rumi |
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Post by hikerjer on Mar 21, 2023 10:00:39 GMT -8
Thanks for the insights, Rumi. I really don’t think any of us took my dad’s behavior personally. We pretty much understood what was going on and it was so out of character, that we just accepted it for what it was. Still, you’re right, it is a nightmare for family.
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Travis
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Post by Travis on Mar 21, 2023 13:00:01 GMT -8
I watched my dad die with Parkinson's and dementia a few years ago. The Parkinson's took the heavier toll. His dementia affected his memory for names and common words but not so much his personality. But his balance was so bad with the Parkinson's that he kept falling, breaking his hip as he neared 89 years.
In the hospital for two months, he kept referring to it as "quite a hotel" and tried to talk me into helping him escape it. That was something I couldn't do. I knew he couldn't even walk across the parking lot. I think he was inclined to starve himself if people wouldn't let him go home. His last words to me, if I understood them right, were "Go away." He died that night. It could have been so much worse.
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reuben
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Post by reuben on Mar 21, 2023 13:41:06 GMT -8
My dad almost went the way hikerjer's dad did. Had a knife. He very calmly told the police he was going to kill his wife (my mother) who was sitting next to him.
Some combination of emphysema, psychosis, and other issues eventually took him. It wasn't pretty. I got to know every hospital in the area, for both emergency and "normal" care. I don't care if I go ugly, I just don't want to be a threat.
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Post by hikerjer on Mar 21, 2023 16:42:22 GMT -8
Perhaps we live too long. Longer than was intended in whatever universal master plan there is- if there is one.
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rangewalker
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Post by rangewalker on Mar 21, 2023 17:59:16 GMT -8
hikerjer – I know where you are coming from. I am 70 plus a few weeks. My issues will not be fixed with a replacement of a limb or joint. I have relatively advanced scoliosis, and a pretzeled spine, that would be far worse if I had not stayed active for the last two decades. My spine results from crazy hard physical abuse from working outdoors in the O&G industry. High wages, but much smarter folks avoid it. Came out with most of my teeth and all my fingers, but they don’t all work right. My hiking world came apart precisely two years ago when I had cramping and lost control of my left leg. After that, life changes for a decade long hiking partner compelled her to return to her PNW home. So I lost some of my reason to hit the trail every week. I love solo, but that has been a challenge to meet. A close friend and outdoors partner is a Chiropractor and recommended a young sports specialist Chiropractor with an excellent orthopedic physician to monitor. With hours of PT, yoga, and a couple of injections to buy healing time, I may have another 5-10 years of hiking IF I stay off injury and on the PT program. Bike riding and indoor group cycling have been a significant part of my PT for cardio, balance, and leg stability. The Chiro friend who is a few year younger with less intense style of hiking than mine, is a good one to have, as we get her back out on the trail as well. I have taken up low-intensity hiking and more intense bike touring. Did you know you can ride from Sheridan, WY, to the Canadian line on dirt roads and two tracks with only 15-25 miles of tarmac? I can use the same gear. I will spend more time in many of the smaller Wilderness Study Areas around Eastern Montana: lower elevation and easier hiking. They need attention and advocacy, and I can throw some hiking in. That is recreation and life work.
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balzaccom
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Post by balzaccom on Mar 22, 2023 3:54:05 GMT -8
I watched my dad die with Parkinson's and dementia a few years ago. The Parkinson's took the heavier toll. His dementia affected his memory for names and common words but not so much his personality. But his balance was so bad with the Parkinson's that he kept falling, breaking his hip as he neared 89 years. In the hospital for two months, he kept referring to it as "quite a hotel" and tried to talk me into helping him escape it. That was something I couldn't do. I knew he couldn't even walk across the parking lot. I think he was inclined to starve himself if people wouldn't let him go home. His last words to me, if I understood them right, were "Go away." He died that night. It could have been so much worse. I had a very similar experience with my dad, Travis. At 86 he fell and broke his hip (actually he was hit while out for a walk by a car driven by a drunk neighbor--going about three miles an hour when it happened...sheesh.) And the combination of the Vicodin and struggles with both his hearing aids and his glasses in the hospital didn't make the situation any better. Physically he held on for another year or so, but with a diminished ability to manage reality. He often talked in metaphors--your dad's hotel was my dad's university. I visited him every day, and chatted with him, although he rarely made much sense at all. My mom found the whole thing brutally difficult. She couldn't understand why he didn't get his act together, and often spent their time together trying to get him to "talk sense." Not me, I just allowed him to chat away, and take me for a ride in whatever world he was experiencing. My sisters, who lived much farther away found this very difficult as well. My mom lasted another 18 months after he died. She was coherent and organized to the end...her last words were "What time is it?" GO figure. |
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echo
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Post by echo on Mar 22, 2023 5:36:01 GMT -8
My mother in law acted like she had dementia, but somehow the Dr knew it was something different. Her personality, outgoing, friendly, highly productive, became the opposite, closing curtains, bundling up, wearing sunglasses inside, hiding out. But 12 electric shock treatments at Mayo and a year later 12 more in Denver both helped for awhile, then the symptoms returned. Finally diagnosed with fluid compressing her brain, a shunt gave her back her memories and much of who she was - but she lived years in a wheelchair because those long months in bed had stolen her muscle strength. My father in law died almost exactly a year after her (13 months) but had predicted that at her funeral. He drove to Deadwood, played poker as usual, then drove himself to Rapid City, checked into the hospital and was dead of pneumonia before his son could drive the 60 miles to see him.
My Dad had a year of surgery, pain, and more pain from esophageal cancer and My mom had Lewy body dementia. The first home she was in gave her nearly thirty new meds in a month and her hallucinations were terrifying. The second home was wonderful, got her down to insulin and a pain med. from then on she gradually stiffened until she was always in a seated position and even her arms and hands were frozen, but she could laugh and talk and kind of be happy. She knew generally where and who and what, but names would be gone, descriptions used instead, the girl with the long hair who lives in that room, or I don’t know who you are but I know you love me.
I kind of envy those I know who suddenly drop dead of a heart attack but I’ve had a neurological disorder that stiffens me, causes full body spasms like getting hit with a taser multiple time# a day, and makes me walk like Frankenstein. Starting at 27 I began tearing ligaments and tendons. Even car camping no longer works for me, but getting out and walking and taking pictures gives me enough joy to make living still more good than bad.
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balzaccom
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Post by balzaccom on Mar 22, 2023 5:53:26 GMT -8
There was an upside to all of this.
My older brother, who also bore much of the weight with my dad, helped him self-publish his Master's thesis in his old age. That was great, until one of his colleagues noticed an error. One of the minor historical figures was misidentified.
My dad was quite upset, and wanted to correct it.
After his accident, he became totally fixated on this, and insisted my brother come up with a solution. He didn't like the idea of an addendum, nor hand correcting each copy...
One day, when my dad was well into his alternative reality experience, my brother showed up with a copy of the book, and told my dad that he had been unable to find the error.
It was a bold move
My father spent the next few days trying to read his own book and find the error. Of course he couldn't.
One day he handed me the book and explained that for some reason the error wasn't in this copy. How about that? He has a big grin on his face.
My brother later assured him that all the copies were like the one he had.
Problem solved.
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reuben
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Post by reuben on Mar 22, 2023 9:23:51 GMT -8
While my dad is dead, as noted above, I still have some responsibilities related to Venerable Mom, aged 94. Those responsibilities have varied over the years, but I've largely been in charge of local logistics, since my sisters live in other states. I have a plan at a drug store chain which gets her lots of discounts on things she needs. I was skeptical when I signed up, but it's been well worth it.
Anyway, today's promotional email trots out the fallacious and well worn trope that "Age is just a number."
Liars.
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daveg
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Post by daveg on Mar 22, 2023 20:34:29 GMT -8
I hope that in my earlier post I did not come across as some aging Polyanna. Like everyone who makes it to my age, I have had to deal with my share of hardship and loss and come to terms with the effects of aging – on myself, my loved ones, and my friends. One particular piece of advice that was given to me several years ago has been especially helpful – “Don’t focus on what you can’t do. Instead, focus on what you can do.”
Human beings are incredibly resilient. Usually (but not always) they are able to adapt to a new reality and eventually find peace, satisfaction, and even joy, in the circumstances life has thrown at them. My current circumstances are worse than some but a lot better than others.
Three years ago I was told that I would probably only live five or six more years, but there was a everpresent chance I could die at any moment without warning. Two years ago, my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She is still able to live at home, but her condition has deteriorated to the point she requires 24/7 care, most of which I have to provide. Last year, my brother succumbed to the same medical condition I have. He never married, had no children, and I am his only sibling, so I became his caregiver for the last eight months of his life. This past Christmas I learned that my best friend, whom I have known since high school, had to be institutionalized because of Parkinson’s disease and dementia.
Getting old takes its toll, both physically and emotionally. All we can do is do our best and try to identify and concentrate on what we can do and not become dispirited by what we can’t do.
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Post by downriver on Mar 23, 2023 10:19:45 GMT -8
HJ,
If you take up paddling, try a kayak. I much prefer a kayak to a canoe for a wide variety of reasons. The birding tips are good, too.
Regards,
DR
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Post by High Sierra Fan on Mar 23, 2023 13:09:48 GMT -8
HJ, If you take up paddling, try a kayak. I much prefer a kayak to a canoe for a wide variety of reasons. The birding tips are good, too. Regards, DR How’s photography match up to a kayak? I think if them as inherently wetter than canoes, which led me to figure the better still water photo platform was a canoe. Then I get in an internal war over type: I totally want a Hornbeck though their classic pack boat models seem unlikely to be the best photo platform. I’d like to add a watercraft to my truck for general wandering: extend my reach out into the water. |
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